Los Doggies

The bullfrog is so named for his bullish mating call, the “jug-o-rum.” Here’s how the bullfrog got his name: Long ago, some dandy fop was cycling his velocipede around a Northern pond, lost in transcendentalist musings, when he heard what sounded like a bull bellowing from the shallow end. The dandy fop shined his lantern over the source of the sound and was astonished to find a frog frozen in place, hypnotized by the light. Thusly he dubbed it the “bull-frog” and returned home posthaste to his Latin dictionary to think of a more lofty name.

The bullfrog is a bit fatter than the green frog, but they look almost exactly the same save for the dorsolateral ridges on the latter’s back.

The bullfrog’s jug-o-rum is a deep, sexy, soulful call for mates like an Isaac Hayes song.

Scientists like to prank these guys by setting up speakers that play other male’s songs or placing frog mannequins in their way. We haven’t really learned much, but it’s fun to fuck around.

Two males will engage in combat over choice lily pads and whatnot. They get up right in each others craw, interlock hands, and wrestle with their forearms while they gronk and bonk at each other. It is a very froggy affair.

Paul McCartney once wrote a lovely little frog song called “The Frog Song.” I used to love this song as a kid—croaking bassline, psychedelic bridge, and epic finale wrapped up in a neat ork-pop package—and it still holds up. It was featured in a Rupert Bear cartoon, who is like the British Berenstein.

The green frog sounds like he’s mocking you. He calls out “GUNK! Gunk! Gunk!,” which is oft compared to a banjo twang, but he may as well be saying “Uh doy!”

This should really be notated in bass clef but I don’t want to confuse anyone anymore than usual. And I certainly don’t want any crusty bassists coming around here. It does sound like the first bar of a funky bassline though.

Choruses of these little guys will get together and host a sing-off to settle territorial disputes. It’s basically Battle Rap for frogs. There is nothing more civilized than men settling their differences with poetry and song. The War Department should immediately cease all operations and occupations at home and abroad, unless they can come up with a worthy Homeric verse.

Green frogs also scream like a girl when they get spooked and jump in the water. I would link a YouTube video, but most of them involve animal abuse. Instead just walk by a pond and let it happen.

Some say they’re turning the frogs gay. In reality, green frogs are naturally trans, but are increasingly genderfluid due to chemical pesticides. No analogy is being made here to Gen Z, so don’t you dare think it.