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Double-Minor Ballad of Sadness

This is a very beautiful song by my good friends The Warp/The Weft, although this ain’t no “friend-rock.” I would surely recommend this song even if it was written by my enemies.


Your pointer finger trembles nervously on the click as you consider scrolling past. “Nothing but a minor ballad in 4/4,” you announce, a bit impetuously, “I have heard these before.”

“Oh no, you sweet fool,” I retort, “you have not hearkened anything like this!”

This is the ballad like no other. This is the ballad of the wolfmother Waldbaum’s. The kind of ballad meant for horizontal listening. Everyone lies to listen to this. That’s why you see them in the streets, connected head to toe like a giant snake god. You ask them what the hell they’re doing, and they give you a coy answer like in that Radiohead video. They can do little else but lie there listening. Such is the power of one ballad vs. the world, and this ain’t even a power ballad.

This ballad is suitable for all stages of the life-cycle. I’ve seen babies way into it. I’ve seen an old man dancing to it real slow until he was just a pile of dust.

It must’ve been the rare and true Double Minor that struck them down like Yahweh used to. Sad! When the minor key is done right, it is sad that major keys just can’t compare. For life and music were meant to be sad—it is by design. A secret sadness lurks in the hearts of all creatures. We vibrate sympathetically with each other’s soft aeolian essence. When a tree falls in the woods, it usually falls in E minor, or C minor. That’s why this ballad is in both Em and Cm. It’s got two minor keys, making it doubly sad.

So check it out! But don’t just mindlessly click on it and have it play in the background while you continue on with your feed, not knowing if you’re the one feeding or being fed upon. Shut yo’ mouth—stop talking ’bout Shaft. Close them eyes, and kegel your ass closed. This one will sting. That’s why they named it “Briars”.

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